


Soon We'll Be Leaving

by DefaltManifesto



Series: Becoming a Pack [32]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Multi, POV Alternating, PTSD, Pack Dynamics, Pack-centric, established relationships - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 09:46:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5329580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's not a quick fix. You're going to have to justify what you did every morning you wake up and that guilt is going to make you feel like dying and you're just going to have to keep telling yourself to keep going. And eventually, I promise you, you start to feel human again. I promise. I know."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soon We'll Be Leaving

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to try and finish this series. The next part is multi-chaptered, about as long as Children of the Wild Ones, or at least that's the plan. We'll see how it goes. Title from I Want To Know Your Plans by Say Anything. This has only been looked over once, very quickly for errors so. Sorry.

[The tumblr](http://schizzar.tumblr.com)

 

Allison wasn't familiar with pack meetings the way everyone else was. She hadn't quite fit in back before the Casia Pack and the Grossman family had come to town. So it was obvious, at least in her mind, that she'd feel off when she showed up at Derek's for the first real pack night since they'd taken Beacon Hills back as their own. She was close with all of the pack now, but she knew they were all still hurting, recovering, from everything they'd been through.

Even then, she hadn't expected...this.

Erica wouldn't touch anyone. She kept herself perched on the arm of the chair that Boyd sat on. Allison had watched her flinch away when he'd reached out to touch her thigh. Scott and Isaac seemed comfortable enough curled up in front of the couch, but there was an obvious tension between them and Derek that even she could feel. She sat on the couch next to Lydia. Jackson was curled up on the opposite end of the couch, head on Lydia's lap and Danny sat on the ground in front of the two of them. Stiles sat in the other chair, the furthest he could get from all of them.

Which left Derek, awkwardly twisting his hands together as he stood in front of them.

"So Scott and Isaac brought up the fact that none of us have really been communicating that well," Derek said. "Figured we could just take a night to be around each other again, see how it goes."

"Movie night?" Lydia asked.

"If you guys want. Or we could do a bonfire out back. I'm...open to suggestions," Derek said.

Allison was pretty sure she'd never seen him look so anxious. Boyd and Danny both called for starting with some Disney movie Allison hadn't seen about a stray orange kitten. The movie was...fine. It was everything else that didn't work.

The most relaxed of them was Jackson, but that was because he fell asleep halfway through the movie thanks to Lydia petting his hair. Stiles wasn't paying attention at all, gaze empty like he wasn't really there. And everyone else? Allison wasn't a werewolf, so the bond she could feel with them was near non-existent. It was more than enough to pick up on the tension so thick it made Allison want to run from the room so she wouldn't have to be there when it blew up.

But she would never leave. She hadn't fought as hard as she did to protect them just to lose them to their inability to fucking talk to each other. Lydia squeezed her thigh, the pressure drawing Allison out of her thoughts.

"You okay?" she asked, voice quiet as she reached up to push some of Allison's hair out of her face.

"Not really," Allison said. She wasn't sure why they were trying to be quiet in a room full of werewolves. "Just upset I guess."

Scott turned his head. "What's wrong?"

"Yeah, Allison, what's got you all fucked up? What the fuck have you had to put up with?" Erica asked, her voice wavering a bit despite how cruel her words were.

Boyd reached out to put a steadying hand on Erica's leg, but she leapt to her feet before he could touch her.

"Don't fucking touch me," she hissed. "And you know what else? That's just fucking like you Scott, all concerned about Allison the minute she says anything when the rest of us have been-" She cuts herself off, gaze flickering over everyone's face before landing on Stiles for a moment and then looking down.

"While you've been _what_?" Derek asked.

"Screwing up," she said. "Like, I get it. Everyone's been messed up from everything that's happened but nice word about being there for us doesn't do anything."

"Erica, I've been trying," Boyd said. "But I can't just ignore my own issues trying to take care of you."

"That's my fucking point," she said. "None of us can help each other even if we do say what's wrong so why are we even trying?"

Everyone stayed silent and Allison could feel her heart in her throat, wanting to say something but unsure of what exactly to say. She could see Erica shaking. She knew Erica was a moment from fleeing and _no one was saying anything._

Allison took a deep breath and got to her feet, navigating easily around Scott and Isaac and planting herself in front of Erica. Erica tilted her chin up, meeting Allison's eyes. Allison held it and then took Erica's hands in her own. For a moment, Erica resisted, keeping her hands wrapped stubbornly in fists until finally Allison forced her hands open. Allison knew that if she really wanted, Erica could keep her out. The fact that she didn't make Allison think that maybe they had a chance to put everything back together.

"Why do you feel so screwed up, Erica?" Allison asked.

"What does it matter?"

"Just because we don't feel like a pack doesn't mean we aren't," Allison said. "You're right. We're all caught up in our own issues, but right now, I want to focus on you."

It was hard for Allison to keep her voice steady. She could feel Erica's hands shaking in hers and she wanted to make it stop but she wasn't sure how to make it better.

"I feel like a monster," Erica said, voice soft. "I feel like I'm losing the parts of me that make me human."

"You're not a monster, Erica," Allison said. "You were fighting for your pack, for your life."

"So were they. All of them, the Casia pack, the hunters, they were all fighting for their lives too," Erica said, voice finally cracking as a few tears escaped her eyes.       

"But they were _wrong_ ," Allison said. She reached up to cup Erica's face, thumbs rubbing away the tears. " _I_ was wrong when I came after you and Boyd. Protecting yourself doesn't make you a monster. They attacked us first."

Erica crumpled forward, arms wrapping tight around Allison's waist as her head dropped to Allison's shoulder. Allison moved her hands to hold Erica close, rubbing at her back as she cried. It felt nice to have it all out in the open, but Allison knew this whole thing was much bigger than Erica's pain. She wanted to scream at Derek. She wanted to tell him to be the leader he claimed to be and take care of them because she was still a kid. She couldn't shoulder all the responsibility and neither could Lydia or Scott.

"Here," Boyd said, getting to his feet. "Me and Isaac will take her."

Allison met his eyes, not loosening her grip on Erica. "You talk to her. For real. Really talk to her because whatever we're doing now isn't working."

"I know," Boyd said. He looked exhausted and Allison sighed.

"And take care of yourself too," she said. "You can't help her if you don't."

She released her tight hold on Erica and let Boyd tug her towards the stairs, Isaac close at his heels.

Allison closed her eyes and turned back to the rest of the pack. Only Lydia would meet her eyes. "So that went well." She turned her gaze to Derek. "Hey, Alpha, what the fuck are you doing to help?"

"Allison-" Scott started.        

"No," Allison said. "You won't say it, Scott, so I will. Where the hell have you been Derek? Your pack is falling apart at the seams and you haven't done a damn thing to try and stop it. We've been trying, all of us, to keep it together but we can't because the person who's supposed to help us has been silent."     

Derek looked up, jaw locked tight as he met Allison's gaze. "I shouldn't even _be_ an Alpha. I'm making it up as I go, to you get that?"

"That doesn't make it okay!" Allison shouted, the anger in her chest ripping free. "I don't know what I'm doing either. None of us do! But at least we're trying. You've just given up on even doing that, or at least that's what it feels like."

"So what do you want me to do?" Derek asked. "What do you think I should be doing?"

"You could try making us talk to each other," Scott said, sitting up a bit straighter as he looks over at Derek. "You're unapproachable. It makes it hard to connect with each other when we can't connect with _you_."

"You haven't even tried to talk to me," Derek said.

"That doesn't mean you feel approachable," Jackson said. "I mean, you've been trying to help me and Danny more than anyone but it feels a bit like a one way street."

"Not to mention that stupid book you just dumped in my lap for me to figure out," Lydia added. "Look. We're all stressed. But we _all_ need to talk to each other instead of just...sequestering ourselves off into small groups."

"Exactly," Allison said. "Talking. No one is talking and we need to be and we need you, Derek, to make it feel like we can."

She hated yelling at him. She knew how hard it had to be, but she couldn't just let him get away with doing nothing.

"Okay. I...I can do that, but I need to know how to make it feel like it's safe to talk," Derek said, forcing himself to uncross his arms.

Jackson sat up, rubbing a hand over his face before looking at Derek. "Don't be so closed off. It's hard to feel like you really want to listen when you never tell us anything. It's like..."

"You want us to rely on you but you don't trust us enough to rely on us," Scott said. "It's really one-sided."

"So me dumping my problems on you would make you feel better? " Derek asked, the impatient anger in his voice setting Allison on edge. "I can't trust you with that. Any of you. Stiles can't even handle being here. Lydia, you're being run ragged by that book and I don't want to make you finally snap by adding to it, and Danny is clearly not even aware of what the hell his position even is in this pack. Is that what you all want to hear? Does that make you feel better?"

"At least you're acknowledging there's a fucking problem now," Isaac said as he stepped into the room. "That's new."

"That's not fair," Derek said. "You've been too closed off to even try to talk to."

"Because you've been too busy pretending we'll all figure out our issues without you," Isaac said, leaning against the archway frame to the living room. "It might feel like you're making it worse but you have to point it out to make it possible to talk about."

"He's right," Stiles said.

Allison looked over at him. He was still curled up in the chair, looking like a harsh wind would blow him to pieces. She remembered Scott telling her how he felt helpless when it came to trying to help Stiles. Looking at him now, _really_ looking at him, she could see why. It was impossible to know where to start with him.

Stiles sighed and uncurled a bit, leaning forward on his knees. "It's like everyone's just waiting for me and Erica to get better without really...trying to help."

"What would help?" Allison asked.

Stiles looked up, meeting her eyes for a brief second before looking back down. "I...don't know. I mean, Jesus Christ, I killed someone. You can't tell me that's okay. That works for Erica but I..." He shrugged, a bitter smile twisting his lips as he looked up at her. "All you guys do is say, 'it's okay Stiles. It's not your fault. It was instinct. You don't deserve to feel bad'. But I do. I should. If I don't feel bad, if I don't get punished for it, then what makes me different from any of them?"

"Stiles, you shouldn't ever feel bad for doing what was necessary," Scott said.

Even as he spoke, Allison could see every inch of Stiles stiffening up, could see him preparing to crawl back inside himself and lock down what he'd allowed himself to say.

"You're wrong, Scott," Allison said. "Stiles...Stiles, you were wrong."

"Allison, you can't say that," Danny said, the first words he'd spoken all night.

"Shut up," Jackson said, kicking Danny's leg. "Let her talk."

She took a deep breath and knelt down in front of Stiles, ignoring the way her knees ached on the hard wood floor. "Stiles, you fucked up."

He still wouldn't look at her, so she steadied herself and then grabbed his chin hard, forcing his eyes to meet hers.

"You fucked up a lot," she said. "You killed someone. You're probably going to kill someone again. I almost killed Erica and Boyd and Scott. One day, I'm going to kill someone the way you did, it's just the nature of my job. Of all of the shit we do. That doesn't mean we can't find some sort of redemption. Do you get that? We screwed up. That doesn't mean we have to stay that way."

Stiles smacked her hand away, his grip bruising as he clutched her wrist. "So tell me how it gets better. Tell me how to become a better person."

"Stiles-" Derek started.

"Shut the hell up," Stile said, only sparing him a quick glance. "We know you don't feel bad about killing people. You would've killed Streiter without batting an eye."

Allison didn't look back to see Derek's reaction. It didn't matter, not right now. "Hey. Look at me, Stiles." Once he looked back at her, she continued. "It's not a quick fix. You're going to have to justify what you did every morning you wake up and that guilt is going to make you feel like dying and you're just going to have to keep telling yourself to keep going. And eventually, I promise you, you start to feel human again. I promise. I know."

Stiles stared right into her eyes and she felt like she was trying to pass a test that she didn't even know the content of. His gaze was unreadable, but she knew he was searching. He had to be, but she wasn't sure what he needed to see to feel like he could trust that she was telling the truth, so she left her gaze as open and honest as she could, more than she ever had before. She needed him to know that she understood.

"Okay," he said. "I trust you. And I want you to help me."

"I can do that," she said. "And you can trust everyone else in this room too, even if it doesn't feel like it yet. It will."

Stiles nodded and then leaned back. Allison sighed and got to her feet.

"Well then. I think we all have a lot of talking we need to be doing," Allison said. "But I'm exhausted. I'm going to drive Stiles home. If anyone wants to talk, that's what my cellphone is for. I'd say you should all talk to each other though."

Lydia nodded. "Got it. I can make that happen."

Allison spent pretty much her whole life being grateful for Lydia's presence. This is no exception. She felt like she'd already done so much, too much. She felt exhausted. All she wanted to do was get Stiles home and go back to her own place and fall asleep for a solid twelve hours, and knowing Lydia would take care of everything she had started helped to relax her. She held her hand out to Stiles.

"Let's go."

 

-.-

 

Derek felt a bit like his world had been flipped upside down and after Allison left with Stiles, no one knew what to say. He knew he should say _something_. Isaac stared at him from across the room, disappointment in his eyes like he knew Derek wouldn't be able to give them what Allison demanded of him. Derek didn't want to fail them. He'd been trying, but Allison was right that he could've tried harder.

Derek sighed and got to his feet, rolling his head to the left and then the right in an attempt to steady his nerves.

"Okay," Derek said once he was on his feet in front of them with Isaac at his back. "We're going to go through this one at a time. Danny, we'll start with you."

Danny straightened where he sat next to Scott, glancing around before looking down at his hands. "I don't know. You've helped me realize I can't really help Stiles and I needed that but even after everything we've been through, I don't feel like I have a place here. I don't feel like I can rely on any of you, honestly, except Jackson."

"And I openly admit I've been a pretty shit friend anyways," Jackson said. "So this has been pretty one-sided for you."

"Do you even want to be involved?" Derek asked. "You've seen how dangerous it can get. Is it worth it to you?"

"I...don't know," Danny said, meeting Derek's eyes for a brief moment before looking back down. "I thought I did and I care about all of you but...I wouldn't mind graduating."

Danny's words felt like a punch to the stomach. He could remember so clearly Erica and Boyd saying the exact same thing and his choices had only made their lives worse and worse. His gut reaction was to just tell Danny to get out while he still could, but he knew realistically that wouldn't help.

"So what do you want? Do you need us to back off?" Derek asked.

"I think...yeah, that'd be good. I need time to figure out what I can really commit to you guys," Danny said. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Jackson said, reaching down to squeeze Danny's shoulder. "Just tell us what you need and when. We can ease up on what we ask of you."

Danny relaxed under Jackson's careful words. Derek wondered when Jackson got so good at saying the right things, but he supposed maybe Jackson picked it up from him. That was a comforting thought.

"I think I should go home then. I don't really have a place here, you know, sorting out all this werewolf hierarchy stuff," Danny said. "Especially now."

"You're probably right," Derek said. "It's okay to leave. Don't feel guilty about not hanging around when you don't feel like you can contribute. It's not like you have to try and help with every single issue we have, even if some of us are your friends."

"Thanks," Danny said with a weak smile as he got to his feet. "I'm being serious though. I do care about you all, so no leaving me out of the loop completely for like, my own good or whatever."

"We won't," Isaac said, reaching out to ruffle Danny's hair as he walked passed him on his way out the front door. "You're still out friend, no matter what you decide."

Danny squeezed Isaac's hand and then slipped out the door. Isaac met Derek's eyes and then moved passed him to take Danny's place on the floor next to Scott.

"So I think the most obvious discussion we need to have is about that journal we brought back for you Lydia," Derek said. He didn't want to focus on his and Isaac's issues. Not yet. "What's happening with it?"

"Well, it talks to me," she said with a nonchalant shrug that didn't match the frustration in her voice.

"Okay, but what do we know about the journal itself?" Derek asked.

"Only what you and Jackson told me," Lydia said. "Which is basically nothing."

"So lets focus on that," Derek said. "I know we've been looking through old texts but I think it's about time we reach out to Deaton and see if he has any contacts. Is that something you can handle on your own?"

"That probably the easiest thing you've asked of me in almost a year," Lydia said, and unlike anyone else, there wasn't even a hint of trepidation in her voice. "All you ever do is ask me to take care of things when you can't because I'm an Alpha Female or whatever. But I'm also seventeen. I'm capable of a lot but...I can't shoulder every burden you can't handle."

"And it shouldn't be her problem to begin with," Scott said. "I'm right below you in power. Isaac's been your second hand forever. A lot of us can take on the other issues, at least if you trust and support us instead of just ignoring us and hoping we sort it on our own."

"We don't work as a normal pack. We can't," Isaac said. "You're the leader, but the rest of us...we're equals. We all need support. You've been asking everyone to depend on you or Scott or Lydia and you can't do that when they're dealing with their own shit."

"We're not a replacement for you family," Lydia said. "We're teenagers. We're capable of a lot, but we're never going to be a normal or natural pack with a neat little hierarchy."

Derek took a deep breath, trying to keep himself steady despite everyone's words. It was hard to hear because he knew they were right. At the end of the day, he was the one who'd dragged all of them into it. When Peter died the first time, he could've left but instead he'd let his loneliness get the better of him and trapped them all with promises that he could protect them when really, he couldn't.

They were right, but that didn't help him now.

"So what do you want me to do? You want me to open up to you so you can trust me, but you don't want an added burden. What does that leave me with as an option?" Derek asked.

"Just...don't delegate to me or Scott. You have to trust all of us and guide us. You can't see some of us as more capable," Lydia said.

"If you do," Scott added. "You're just going to overburden us."

Derek resisted the urge to argue, instead taking a moment to process what they were saying. He understood what they were saying. They were teenagers. Some of them...he did expect too much from. It was just instinct to focus on the weak links, the ones closest to the edge; the Jacksons, the Ericas, the Stiles. He just expected Boyd and Lydia and Scott and Isaac to deal on their own.

"I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what a pack like ours is supposed to do. I don't know how it's supposed to function," Derek finally said.

"So we figure it out," Scott said. "We dealt with another pack and a group of hunters and it worked because we all depend on each other. We have to try and find that again but honestly, I don't even know why we lost it in the first place."

"Maybe we should all fuck," Jackson said, his words cutting the rising tension so fast Derek wasn't sure what expression he was supposed to be wearing in response. "I mean, it helped me."

"So..." Lydia took a quick breath, her expression pinching up. "Good idea in theory. Maybe not so good in practice. But that is where we started, right? When you trust people with your physical body-"

"The rest comes naturally. At least for us," Isaac said, glancing up at Derek. "For werewolves."

"You're right," Derek said. "we could try something _like_ that though. What room are Erica and Boyd in?"

"Yours," Isaac said.

"Then upstairs, all of you. Scott, we're going to talk first," Derek said.

Isaac gave him a weird look before following after the others but Derek tried not to focus on it. Scott needed his attention. Scott got to his feet and stood in front of Derek, lifting his chin and folding his arms across his chest.

"You don't have to be tense like this around me. Not anymore, okay? I've got your back," Derek said, settling his hands on Scott's shoulders and then shifting them down to pull Scott's arms apart. "You do know I'm jealous of you, right?"

Scott frowned. "What?"

"You make leading seem easy, even with everything you have on your plate."

"You don't even _know_ what's on my plate," Scott said.

"I do know your dad's in town and I know how that makes you feel. And I know I should've reached out," Derek said. "I'm sorry. Even with everything you've been dealing with, you still managed to reach out and help Isaac and me. I need you here. I want you here. I know all of this shit has ruined your life, and I know you didn't ask for it, but I'm so glad I have you here with me. I need you to understand that."

Scott swallowed, his brown eyes bright with an energy Derek hadn't seen in months. "Thank you. Seriously, I've been so _alone_ and I just...I didn't know if anyone cared because I knew you did I just...didn't feel it."

"I'm sorry. I won't let you feel that way again. I promise."

 

-.-

 

Isaac missed his pack. He missed Erica curled up with her head on his chest. He missed Boyd's strong presence beside him, missed the way they could lean into one another without it feeling like giving or taking. He missed the way Jackson's tense and bitter scent mellowed out into something softer as he relaxed. He missed Lydia's hand in his hair. He missed Scott's warm assurance.

He missed the way Derek would pull him away from the tangle of it all and remind him just who belonged to.

He was getting it all back. He wasn't going to lose it again.


End file.
